Always just barely getting by. Would that be my life, bleak as it sounds my answer would always be a resounding YES.  Don’t wish for anything, don’t hope anything, EVER.  It will always without doubt bring disappointment, if not to me then to Nanny or to all three of us.

With Kathy as a springboard to new friendships I thought I was moving in the right direction.  It was two different lives, one at school and one at home. What I didn’t know then is there would be many more lives to come. At school I was curious, naïve, constantly questioning myself, watching my every move to make sure I was doing everything “correctly” so that all these new people would like me. I had to be on my toes every single second, never lowering my guard or confusing my lies.  Home was a very different story. I was completely in charge at home. I called the shots, did the shopping, cooked the meals, did the laundry, cleaned the house etc. We did what I wanted to do at home regardless of the likes or wants of my brother or nanny.  I was the boss.  As time went on I got bossier and more aggressive about it.  Raising my voice from time to time and yelling at both my Nanny and Tommy.  The lies followed me home from school and I began lying at home. First about little things like who I was friends with and how much they liked me.

That progressed to bigger lies such as stealing money from Nanny’s purse and blaming it on Tommy.  The embarrassment of saying I wanted something that cost too much money was unbearable…how could one be so selfish when Nanny was doing all that she could possibly do for us.  Stealing it and blaming Tommy seemed a much to be a much better choice.  Tommy was often struck down in utter fear as my anger would begin to slip out and I would yell at him screaming “I know you took her money”, all the while knowing secretly I was the one who had taken it.  The angry outbursts would scare all of us, yet none of us had any way of knowing what lie ahead, or how to cope with what was happening.

Junior high school can be a scary place for any kid. Now add into the picture no foundation for the rest of life, and it becomes unbearable.  Watching the other kids laugh and socialize was excruciating on the inside and with all my might I tried to hide that pain on the outside.  Inside of me was a ticking time bomb, though I had no way of knowing, nor did the other survivors.  Life appeared to be normal on the outside or at least what we had come to know as “normal”.  Get up each day and get on the city bus to go to school, do the work, watch the other kids interact and the dreaded physical education.  Oh my God, those hideous gym suits and having to shower in the locker rooms with all the other girls. Most of whom were perfect in my mind, while I was “chubby” and uncomfortable.  It was those locker rooms that I first learned that everyone used deodorant and immediately bought some.  As I wonder now, what else should I have learned that I missed out on. They seemed to run the 600 yard dash and climb the ropes with the ease of an Olympian while I tried to think of every excuse known to man to not be totally humiliated in front of them all.  My excuses often would run out and I’d be faced with that days humiliation.  As I stared at the dirty floor on the city bus with my head hung low, I could never let anyone know the despair that enveloped me.  No one felt this way and there was something terribly different and wrong about me, that much I knew for sure.

It was then the thoughts of dying became an everyday occurrence.  I just couldn’t leave my Nanny and Tommy, they needed me and I was a horrible person for even wishing it.  More shame – more self loathing – more evidence I was broken.  The lies faded in junior high. They just simply stopped with no explanation or questions from anyone.  Apparently they didn’t care or never believed me to start withIt was becoming common knowledge we had no regular family and once again I was right up front in the outcast line.  Picking sides for teams in gym was the worse…. always being the last one remaining that the team got “stuck” with.  Another familiar feeling I would carry for years to come, people being stuck with me or being a burden to whomever I was with.

How is it that people’s lives develop into such fragmented pieces of a mosaic?  That the outline or border isn’t even clear?  We come into the world perfect little spirits, filled with wonder, innocence and love.  Each and every personality is influenced by the people and events that take place each and every moment, from birth forward.  Every moment counts. Every moment shapes us and the way we see the world around us.  Moments overlap and sometimes completely overshadow one’s perception into an entirely new vision.  We rarely get to choose these experiences, but often learn later how to shape them into our being.  Or maybe, we simply live our life with them all blended together in a state of constant confusion and dismay.

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It doesn’t seem possible that everyone is lost and/or wondering where and what to do next. Each person has a story that is a different story than others. It’s what makes us who we are and it controls what our eyes see and how we react to life. Maybe each one is full of obstacles to overcome or hills to climb, different but the same. It certainly doesn’t feel like that when you are a teenager. It feels lonely….especially when it “appears” everyone else knows exactly where they are going. Only later do we get to find out it was right there all along. We were exactly where we were suppose to be. We learn to be the best we can with what we have been given. Both inside and on the outside. Some get riches and some don’t, but neither is better than the other, it only “appears” easier and more desirable. Some get parents, money, family and direction, some don’t. Either way the world is what it is and we have no choice but to learn to navigate with what we have been given. Hours spent in self pity are simply distractions from getting back on the path and moving forward. Sometimes the “distractions” last weeks sometimes years, but eventually we get back on the path. Later those same “distractions” turn out to be some of the most vital moments and treasured memories.