For as long as I can remember I had questions. Questions about everything. Things that required explanation rather than a simple yes or no. These were deep questions within my soul. I would sit and ponder and never feel completely satisfied with whatever answers I had imagined. Why am I here, why are WE here? The yearnings inside of me never really had much direction. They were only aches and discontentment. The reason would continue to elude me and sometimes still does. Mostly now that only happens when I am afraid. Fear can creep up like a predator in the dark of night.

Something inside of me yearning to come out. Writing often quieted that stirring but more often than not it left me with more unanswered questions. Needing to know a sense of curiosity is not a negative thing, it always precedes growth. Sometimes it’s all we have. Knowing, or at least thinking I know what will happen offers temporary ease and comfort from the constant trudging and fear. Only now I look to the heavens for relief. There is a sense of peace inside knowing “There is One who has ALL power, that ONE is God.” It is my deepest belief that answers can be found within my soul and that the primary answer is Love. In my soul is where I’ve learned God lives. Not your God, not the God of damnation, but rather the God I have come to believe lives deep within every living organism, including me.

I read somewhere that God is not angry with me for all the times I neglect prayers or forget to go to him. He is rather, elated with me each time I remember to talk to him. His greatest joy comes from my thankfulness to him and my praise of him. Honestly, when I look to the sky and see the daily beauty and magnificent openness of our world how I can possibly deny my gratitude. So often, had it been left to my own resources and/or “thinking” my situation would have been so much worse. It becomes visible to me how often God has intervened. Just how many times God has saved me from disaster is not clear to me. I don’t know how it could be. But I do know my God saves me and opens my eyes, and gives me a sense of peace, clarity, and contentment. It is only there, alone with God I have found the answer for the moment to all my ponderings and fears. Trust God….. I hear the “still small voice” ‘Trust me, I am working on your behalf and clearing the way’.

For someone that has ALWAYS felt alone, different, and unwanted this sense of presence is very comforting. It seems it’s what I was looking for all along. God never left me. It is me that wandered away and searched on my own for a way back. Always missing the mark and landing in more confusion.

Each time I tried to fill that void inside of me with anything, but God I failed. My own thinking lead me to believe I absolutely needed a man to be attached to in order to be a whole family for my children. Their father had remarried and there was a whole family there, but I was alone which seemed like a neon flashing sign that I was not enough. Enough of what, well it didn’t matter, not enough of anything. The erroneous thought that someone else would make me better and more worthwhile drove me to hate and insanity. As a result of that thought alone, I brought someone into my children’s life that caused us all more pain than we had already experienced. Of course, I did not know that at the time, but I did ignore the “red flags” which I now view as the God in me trying to show me the truth. I minimized those thoughts and never discussed them out loud with anyone. Forced my will because I was so sure I knew what needed to happen.

As I look back, I was given so many opportunities to get away from that man, but I pushed forward-thinking my ‘still small voice’ was wrong and me just being fearful. The end of that relationship came after several physical arguments and repeated physical and emotional abuse. My own thinking kept telling me I had to try harder. I had to seek to love rather than be loved, to understand rather than be understood. The louder and more obvious the red flags got the harder I tried to be better at loving. Finally validated by therapists the shocking truth was it wasn’t me. The same therapists I went to to help me become a better wife and mother. I really was being tortured mentally while being threatened by physical violence. Without their help, I would not have been able to climb out of that dark abyss of Hell. Living in Hell while still walking this earth had become second nature to me. I needed someone else to tell me it was horrible, and it did not have to be that way.

That day I began taking steps toward finding my way toward God. To trying my best to listen to that voice inside and stop all the badgering and doubting of myself. I began to pull myself out of that hole. It was not easy and it got more difficult as time went by. I found out the damage he had done to my children and hatred quickly followed. The idea to commit murder was strong and FEARLESS. Regardless of what anyone thought, that is what I was going to do. The voice inside screamed you must pray for him and forgive him as I screamed louder “NOT IN THIS LIFETIME, I WILL NOT” !!

God spoke his wisdom through the mouth of a dear friend as we shared lunch one day. He agreed he needed to die, however, my plans would only cause my children to feel guilty while I sat in prison. Those words caused me to slam on the brakes. The last thing I wanted to do was cause them more pain. His life was spared by me. Years of hatred followed as my soul slowly deteriorated. That voice deep inside knew what I had to do, but still, I refused, I just could not forgive. How could anyone forgive that behavior and the damage done? Until one night three years later I was brought to my knees, unable to perform the responsibilities I had at an Agape retreat because the hatred was so loud. Walking out to the campfire I sobbed. Was I ever going to be free, I didn’t think so. My best friend at the time came out to the fire. We looked at each other and she knew as well as I did what needed to be done. On my knees, I asked God to forgive him and to help me forgive him. I prayed for God to remove the hatred and fill my heart with a forgiving attitude. Sobbing still I begged God for a reprieve. It didn’t go immediately but gradually got lighter and lighter. The burden wasn’t as heavy to carry and continued to fade into the distance. Its shadow was always visible to my heart.

Then the day came when someone reached out to me to inform me of his demise and death. Uncertain, I quickly researched the internet looking for an obituary. As I read the words of his death over and over a sense of freedom filled my soul. No longer would I have to look over my shoulder but more importantly my children never had to fear him again. We made it and I thanked God with every cell in my body. Calling my children to share the good news was exciting and joyful. It’s funny that a situation like that could bring such freedom, joy, and relief, but it did.

Looking back, I see that life has come in pieces. Unexpected, sometimes bad sometimes good but it is slowly coming together. The picture of a life lived with purpose slowly emerges.